ONLINE DATING IN
MIDDLE AGE (NOT THE MIDDLE AGES)
(part 1)
When I decided to join the online dating world, within a
month Covid began to spread and the world shut down. Including, of course,
going out on dates.
I was ready to start dating again a few years after my split
with my husband of 20 years. Our family had just gone through some additional
trauma, and I needed a way to steer my mind away from it, so I joined a few
dating sites, primarily for entertainment. Even now, two years after that, I am
a lot more jaded but still thoroughly entertained. I’ll admit to occasional
loneliness. I’d like to meet someone to go out with occasionally and even have
a monogamous relationship, but never marriage again. I’m pretty current with
trends and ways of living (thanks to my teenagers), but I’m not yet convinced
that online dating is where I might meet someone I’d want to have a future
with. As a GenXer I’m still a little dubious about meeting a mate online, but
at the same time I figured I’d try it out.
I recently read in The New York Times that traditional dating might be making a comeback – that is, for long enduring relationships the best way to meet someone is through friends and family, mostly because the prospective date has already been vetted. And sex with this person should be put off so that the emotions associated with a physical relationship don’t get mixed in with the basic characteristics of someone’s personality. One can think more straight without adding sex to the mix.
These are the tales, absolute true stories, of my adventures in the dating world at 56 years old. As the saying goes, I can’t make this stuff up. When I began this discovery process, I didn’t make a big deal of it except to tell a few close friends. I wanted to shield my teenage sons from any more drama in their lives; their dad had quickly moved on to another relationship, and I wasn’t sure it was the best way to handle things post-divorce. I didn’t want them to worry about me or feel as if my concentration in their lives had shifted. There’s plenty of time for me, later, when they have left home. Now, I do occasionally show them photos of my online “recommendations” but don’t go into details about the dates I’ve been on. My boys have enjoyed laughing at some of my “matches” as much as I have and have given me unprompted advice about various dating sites. They advised me not to use Tinder “because those guys just want sex, Mom” and that Bumble puts women in the driver’s seat, so they advised me to try that one. I started out paying for several sites and after six months (during Covid) I stopped paying, and still don’t pay. By not paying, I mostly meet “bottom feeders” – the leftovers that also don’t pay. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll meet someone like me. Even when I was paying, the recommendations weren’t much different than the suggestions I get doing it for free.
The scammers are all over, and usually easy to spot. Their profiles all have similarities. They claim to be “marine engineers” or “oil engineers” or even “gemologists”. They grew up in another country, which is their excuse for poor grammar; they want to go to What’s App soon after the initial conversations; they have photos that look professionally done (usually lifted from Facebook). Usually they are “widowers” and will often say they are happy to move to wherever you are. They usually cannot name specific places in the town in which they claim to be living (often “on vacation” from the oil rigs). Once a guy started talking about his poor sick son in our second conversation. They are all about ultimately the same thing: money. When I know they are scammers I like to lead them on, kind of screw with them as they are screwing with me, like a cat teasing a mouse; then I report them. One guy was from “Copenhagen” but staying in Lynchburg, Va. He didn’t know that I went to college in Lynchburg, so I started to quiz him a little about the city and he got evasive. Leading him on, I told him I had a relative in Lynchburg – could he drop off some money to her? Then he was gone. Another guy claimed to be an oil engineer in India; I questioned whether there are oil engineers in India? He disappeared.
All the dating sites require a long questionnaire about your likes, what you’re looking for, your background, etc. and you are sent, according to some WACKY statistics, recommendations of the people that might fit your interests. This is where it gets funny. Before I ever saw anyone I’d want to go out with in real life, I had to wade through the muck, as I still do.
Maybe some guy will read this and see what NOT to do, and if
that helps him in his search, great. These are my tips on what to avoid,
generally speaking, in order to meet a special someone. I realize there are a
lot of exceptions to these rules, but this is my consensus.
*THESE PHOTOS ARE ACTUAL “MATCHES” FROM VARIOUS DATING SITES; I have marked through some facial elements to protect their privacy.*
First off, Guys, the fish pictures have to go. I don’t care
how big a fish you caught – it could be Jaws – I would still not be impressed.
Immediate swipe left. What are you really trying to say with showing those photos?
I am amazed how many men strike this pose.
Similarly, trucks and motorcycles also do nothing to impress. In fact, I would say the opposite – the bigger his truck or cycle the more I want to tell him sorry about the size of his man parts. NOT IMPRESSED!!!!
Another tip: take the damn sunglasses off! Why cover up your eyes? It’s okay with one photo but not all 4 or 5 pictures. Would YOU like to talk to a woman who kept her sunglasses on all the time? What are you trying to hide? I immediately swipe left if I can’t see your eyes.
Not sure what to say about these two – these aren’t
sunglasses, but the point is the same. This was during Covid, but this is taking it a little far.
We don’t need to see the gym pics either. Especially when you’re sweaty. I don’t care how much weight you can lift; what have you READ lately?
More simple advice: LEARN HOW TO TAKE A SELFIE. You should NOT stand and point your camera to the mirror to take the photo. Some of the photos show the guy’s face completely covered by the camera! Either get someone to take the photo of you or hold your arm out to take the picture while the camera setting is on reverse! This is called a selfie. And another thing: why oh why are so many of the photos taken in the bathroom, usually with toilet and toilet paper in full view??! FIGURE IT OUT!! By the way, editing photos is really simple – your pictures shouldn’t be upside down or stretched. Our friend Google can show you what to do.
don't look too closely at the toilet
Next, don’t appear in a group picture without making it
clear which one you are. I’ll see groups of guys, often fathers and sons, and
wonder who I’m supposed to be looking at. The son is kind of cute; is he
available?
Men, everybody has a smart phone now. If you don’t take a good photo, take another. There’s no reason to post a blurry photo. AND if it’s blurry and looks old, post something up to date! I went out with someone who looked nothing like the photo he posted, which was about 15 years old. I didn’t recognize him when we met – I took some new photos and insisted he post them (more on him later). Further, we really aren’t interested in your baby pictures, or how good you used to look in college.
This one scares me. Really, would this attract someone? Overcompensating, perhaps. What is he thinking?
I’ll admit that I’m pretty picky. But this guy! Will he ever
meet someone with all of these requirements?
I can’t write this without including some of the written messages I’ve gotten:
Siamese twins?
You know those television commercials where, at the end you
have no idea what they’re trying to sell? These are various cover photos – have
no idea what these people are trying to represent about themselves.
This one should say, "Do you want to be part of my harem?"
These “matches” are all suggestions from the dating
websites. On one site, they offer matches with “things you both like”. Here’s
one I’ve gotten: “You and so and so have two things in common: penguins and
vacations.” What??
This one deserves a caption. Who is this woman? Check out
his sunglasses also…This one wins the Top Prize for crazy.
In general, guys, think about the photo you are offering up! Remember, most of the people viewing your profile are trying to get an impression of you. They have never seen you before. Smile! Don’t look like you’re asleep, stoned, or angry.
Instead of "laid back, easy going", I would say "serial killer"
These final images I can only label WTF – what in the world
were these guys thinking?
I had to reject a LOT of other photos! In my next post, I will go into some stories about guys I've actually been out with.
